Irvington Journalists Play Dirty

Journalists Release Pseudo-Stories and Wreak Havoc in Irvington

Due to a sudden dry spell of interesting news, Irvington High School journalists have gone to great lengths to produce stories people want to read. The first of many attempts occurred last week in the courtyard, where two journalists dressed up as “normal kids” started a fight over unknown circumstances. Students encircled the two, but it was not long before multiple students realized that the “fighters” were throwing false punches and making their own sound effects. Soon, an article about the “fight” was released in The Voice. Students who saw the fight recalled that the very people who started it that had written the article, using words like “intense” and “near-death” to describe it. After their first failed attempt, journalism staff spread rumors that any kids who did not show up to class had swine flu. Additionally, the whole school was supposedly going to be quarantined in a matter of days. Irvington students spread the news in panic until a feuding group (using the alias “Yearbook”) released stolen attendance slips to the public proving that the missing students were just cutting class.

A couple slow news days passed by until, one day, a battered and bruised Sahil Pandya arrived to school, claiming that Chris Brown had attacked him on his way to Irvington. Students knew immediately that this was just a publicity stunt since Chris Brown only beats women (as far as we know). Furious at the school’s retaliation to these potential story opportunities, journalism staff members dressed up as police officers and gave crossing students citations for traffic violations. This story seemed to stick with most of the school after an announcement was made discussing these traffic violations. The journalism staff was at an all-time high and decided to strike while the iron was hot by implementing a master plan to destroy Irvington’s scheduling system. “Yearbook” tells us that The Voice had a man on the inside by the name of Philips, who had planted a virus into the system just before maze day, ruining the schedules of about one hundred students. Not only did this pose as a great story opportunity, but it also forced the students in the library to visit the only website that was not blocked on the computers:

Now that they had the stories, the journalism staff needed to raise popularity within school. They put posters all over the campus claiming that they had a real life “Panda” captive in their classroom during sixth period that could read and write. The effect this “Panda” had on the school is not yet known but “Yearbook” has been keeping us updated with the story through photographs like the one provided below.