By Sabrina Sun | Staff Writer

To the seniors of Irvington High School, the QUEST Project is more than an assignment with due dates that conflict with everything else. It’s more than just a packet of paper cuts waiting to happen. It is a journey of self-discovery and improvement, a chance to ask yourself the important QUESTions. Over the years, QUEST supervisors have reviewed many unique essays. However, this essay is in an entire league of its own, and has left such an impression that the QUEST supervisors have chosen to share it with you (whether or not you’re ready for it).

Sabrina Sun

Period 8

Mr. Peter Nguyen

English Honors 12

QUEST Policy Paper

How does the McDonald’s McBreakfast degrade the general health and sanity of America’s citizens? How does the presence of the McBreakfast contribute to other social issues? What madman (or woman)  greenlighted this splotch of chemical waste for mass consumption?

Every year, over two million McBreakfasts are served globally on days that end with -y to people with vowels in their names. However, this depressingly large number threatens to grow even larger with the introduction of McDonald’s All-day Breakfast. The true catastrophic effect could not be summarized better by our most trusted source: America’s favorite fast-food connoisseur: Mitchell Omama.

“This breakfast is both fast and will break your face,” Omama said. “Usually I would respect and relate to those qualities but this meal has taken it too far. I think the best plan of action would be to build a wall around all the McBreakfasts.”

Perhaps isolating these deadly delicacies behind a giant wall is the safest strategy. Studies have shown that each component of the McBreakfast is toxic in its own special way. Even the American digestive system, which has reportedly dissolved an entire bar of butter, a pickup truck, and two Nokias, is not safe from the biohazard dump that is the McBreakfast.

The Confident Syrupy Intellectuals (CSI) tested the famed McDonalds’ syrup and discovered some interesting facts. Not only do the McSyrup’s adhesive properties rival super glue, its acidity earned a 1 on the pH scale. That’s more than battery acid, which would honestly be a safer liquid to garnish your rubbery McHotcakes with. This delightful confection is heaped atop a grease-proof, bullet-proof, tray.

The trays themselves are so greasy that McDonalds has stopped providing mirrors in the bathroom. Merely gazing into the grease allows one to pick out even the smallest sprig of broccoli between their teeth. (Disclaimer: This is not an issue consumers are in danger of, as the McBreakfast does not contain anything remotely plant related, or organically related, whatsoever).  The grease has also been known to have hallucinogenic and hypnotic effects on those who stare into it long enough.

“I looked in and I saw this anticipated new sequel for an incredible classic series stirring up legions of people on the internet,” said Omama, who experienced a momentary vision of sageness. “That’s right folks. Alvin and the Chipmunks is getting a new movie!”

The radioactive refuse disguised as food listed above may seem appalling beyond all possibility. However, the most deadly component of the McBreakfast are the McEggs. Finely crafted from naturally produced artificial preservatives, coloring, flavoring, and egg powder, the McEgg products are the crown jewel of the McBreakfast. The University of Boredom recently published a study containing the 5 main phases a consumer will undergo once intaking a McEgg.

“5 Stages of the McEgg Effect:

1. Denial: the consumer denies that what is in their mouth can be considered food.
2. Anger: the consumer is angered that they even purchased said ‘food’ product.
3. Bargaining: the consumer attempts to return the saliva-covered McEgg.
4. Depression: the consumer stares in a depressed manner at the setting sun wondering how they ever managed to go from a decent human being (or not) to sitting in front of McDonalds with a handful of saliva-covered McEgg.
5. Acceptance: the consumer finally accepts that mistakes are best left in the past and then dumps the McEgg in the trash where it belongs“ (The University of Boredom).

In conclusion, the McBreakfast is deadly and does nothing to aid America’s current state. It has caused countless casualties and traumatic incidents and the introduction of an All-day McBreakfast is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Therefore, it is advisable to remove this abomination from this country once and for all.

Pls don’t sue.