Oh, the Things We’ll Do for College Applications

Emily Joe, Humor Editor

Seniors, we all know college applications are stressful and a future-threatening kind of experience and admission officers’ advice is never much help either: “quality over quantity”, “we want to know who you are as a person”, “we have a holistic review policy”, et cetera, et cetera. Sure, sure, all of those things may be true, but we all know the REAL question that every senior asks themselves: “how will you stand out as an applicant?” Most seniors may struggle with this as they may think that there is just nothing special about them.

These following students had also struggled to highlight their personality. However, desperate times call for desperate measures and manipulation of stories is sometimes necessary to write a good personal statement. Here is a series of accounts in which seniors have gone to great lengths (or not-so great lengths) to ensure that admission officers are sure to remember and accept them.

“I once saved the school from a bomb threat,” yet another anonymous Klairmont Mackena student stated. “Well, what actually happened was that I had a metronome with me at school for band. I left my backpack in a class during lunch and drove off campus to get food. When I came back, people were being evacuated because of a bomb. It turns out my metronome had turned on and people thought that it was a bomb. With a quick and necessary clarification, I was the hero of the school.”

“I’ve done brain surgery,” anonymous Hohn Jopkins student said. “It’s true. What I definitely DID NOT include in my college application that it was, in fact, an unsuccessful brain surgery. But college admission officers didn’t need to know that, of course. What they do know is that I’m an ambitious student who strives to be at the top—even if it may be at the costs of others.”

“I saved my best friend’s life,” an anonymous, Queenton student wrote in his college application. But here’s the real story: all he really did was catch his friend’s phone before it fell to the ground. And, since that particular friend had already broken his screen about 6 times, his parents told him that he’d be kicked out of the house if his phone cracked again. Then he’d be homeless and have no way of getting food and basically die. So, theoretically, he saved his best friend’s life.

As a student at Irvington, we all have at least three backup topics that are sure to impress college admission officers (you know what I’m talking about, don’t deny it). Sure, it may not seem special to you or to anyone else at our school, but with a little manipulation, anything is possible. So seniors, how will you stand out as an applicant?