Second Semester Predictions: Horoscope Edition

Vidushee Mishra, Staff Writer

Aries (March 21-April 19): 58% survival rate. Second semester isn’t easy, and your impulsiveness isn’t going to help with that. Whether it’s your spontaneous decisions to stay home and watch Netflix instead of coming to school, or deciding that you’re over the broken school system and thinking “who needs school anyway?” you really need to step up your game if you want to pass.


Taurus (April 20-May 20): 41% survival rate. Homework isn’t really one of your strong suits. Neither are tests. And if we’re being real, school in general isn’t very high up on your list of strengths. The only way that you’re going to be able to survive second semester is if you stop procrastinating on literally everythingyes, that means that you have to do more than just write your name on a paper and call it a dayand start taking the advice of your teachers instead of being stubborn and trying to “carve your own path” because we all know that won’t work here.


Gemini (May 21-June 20): 27% survival rate. To do math homework, or not to do math homework, that is the real question. Oh, and what about English? Also, don’t forget about science! Although you are a hard worker and adaptable to your surroundings, you aren’t able to become an exemplary student because of your lack of decision making and direction. As soon as you stop debating the pros and cons of literally every single academic decision in your life, you’ll be good to go.


Cancer (June 21-July 22): 73% survival rate. Take a deep breath because things are going to be relatively okay for you. Despite all your negative thinking, and the times you’ve failed miserably, your creativity and knowledge about how to convince teachers to round your 87% to a 90% will allow you to achieve most of your goals for this semester. The other thing that you should keep in mind is to never lose your focus because of your heightened emotional state; after all, crying about the death of your imaginary friend isn’t going to help you clutch that A-.


Leo (July 23-Aug 22): 88% survival rate. All you need to do to succeed this semester is to continue charming everyone around you with your brilliant smile. Absolutely everyone – from teachers to your peer-graders to that annoying TA that never gives you partial credit. Make them automatically fall in love with your positive aura, and it will be sweet sailing from there. Just remember to NEVER open your mouth, or all the angel music surrounding you will be drowned out by your endless recounting of all of your achievements, which to be honest, no one really cares about.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): 90% survival rate. Although this is going to be an amazing few months for you academically, you really need to tone down that RBF. Sure, you may be the next Einstein and probably already found a cure for cancer, but your personality is probably the reason why studies found that Asian Americans score lower on personality tests when they’re applying for college. As long as you learn how to keep all your judgey comments about everything and everyone inside your head, you’re going to be the one that everyone wants to be like.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): 12% survival rate. The future is looking pretty bleak for you right now, but there’s one easy fix: STOP. WATCHING. ROMCOMS. We get it, life is hard and it’s nice to imagine that high school is like High School Musical, but that’s not a reason for you to forgo all your homework and hope that Zac Efron will come toand whisk you away from your tragic life.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): 99% survival rate. You’ll pass second semester with flying colors! Focused, ambitious, and manipulativeyou’re the snakiest of them all. You’re headstrong, and that is what will carry you through this final push. You may run on Girl Scout Cookies, but you push the sugar rush into the right things.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): 18% survival rate— if anything. You’re still living in the fantasy world of middle school, you’re a dreamer. But you need to understand that dreaming is NOT achieving. Your overconfidence will make it difficult for you to grind in those final months. But it’s okay, I believe in you!!


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): 54% survival rate. Capricorns, typically ambitious and logical, might find it difficult to get through the semester. Your sanity is what makes you lack empathy, which are the qualities you’ll need to convince your teacher to round your grade at the end of the semester. Even if you make it through, you’re bound to get beat up along the way. So it’s time to take those AirPods out of your ears, and listen to the advice of others.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): 95% survival rate. The beginning of the semester may be a little rough, but eventually you will pull through, as you always do. As long as you focus on your happiness, and allow your friendly personality to light up the room, everything will fall into place. This semester will be particularly bipolar for you, but if you feel trapped, take some risks! YOLO will pay off.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): 82% survival rate. Alright, we’ll give you this one as long as you stop blasting Travis Scott in your room at midnight, and actually start doing your history notes. Although this semester may be an emotional rollercoaster, your intuitive and blatant dedication will carry you until the end of the year. YOU GOT THIS, just go with your gut!