Spotting Your First Karen in the Wild


Justin Kim

A Karen in its Natural Form pictured.

In the jungle, there are no rules. Every man is for themselves. The strongest survive while the weakest wither. That’s just how it works. That’s always how it worked. But one creature surpasses all expectations; we all cower in fear when faced with The Karen. It is the one and only rule of the jungle. “Work hard and do not sin, for if you do you will meet the Karen” The mythical monster is, unfortunately, spreading towards human civilization so we must understand how to combat it.

Spotting a Karen is critical to surviving in this ever-changing world. Keep an eye out, you never know when one can appear! If you ever do spot one, please do not try to feed it. Feeding a Karen evokes negative feedback (aka slurs from them). Let me guide you on how to identify one: First of all, you must always be on the lookout for that hair! Imagine the ugliest style in the ugliest color. If you got a blonde bob, or rather a blonde blob, then you’re correct. Congratulations, you get a cookie! Then the clothing: It’s always those weird pants- not all the way to the ankles but not quite shorts. Some weird ¾ jeans or khakis that signify a complete lack of taste in fashion. They can usually be spotted wearing denim from 2010, probably from shady places, like an abandoned JCPenny warehouse. But critical to your mission is identifying the position. In passive mode, they usually have looks of pure hatred on their faces, eyes scrunched up like monkeys (no offense to monkeys). But in aggressive mode, they take battle stances. By putting their hands on their hips and their weight on one foot, even the mightiest warriors are defeated by their shrill voice and repeated “I want to talk to the manager”-ing. 

Pictured: Several forms of a Karen (Credit: The Insider)

So now you know how a Karen looks. But how do you defeat one in battle? Well, there are actually several ways:

  1. Using advanced concepts, otherwise known as common sense: the way this works is really simple: you can’t get beaten if your enemy doesn’t know what you’re talking about! If a Karen approaches you, assert dominance by reciting every mathematical equation and scientific fact you know. Keep going no matter how boring it gets. If you forget something, just make it up; they’ll never be able to tell the difference. Eventually, due to your sheer dominance, the Karen will retreat to its habitat in the wild.
  2. Uno Reverse Card: The Uno Reverse Card has been known to defeat even the most ferocious of monsters. With a bit of luck, at the right moment, it might just help you win. When faced with a Karen, pull the card out. Exposure to the card has been known to destroy most monsters within seconds but it might take 24-48 hours for it to get through the thick skull of The Karen. All you must do is expose the card as soon as you are threatened. It should blind the opponent for a couple of minutes giving you time to escape, ready for the continuation of the battle another day!
  3. oK KaReN: This one phrase has been known to reduce a Karen to a pile of dust. It is so deadly it should only be used in the most extreme situations. Make sure to add sarcasm and stress the” Kar” in “Karen”.  Anytime you find yourself losing your mind over just how well formulated your opponent’s argument is, utter these demonic words. Be sure to praise Satan and proclaim your love for the Devil. The power of these words will destroy the Karen from the inside out. Have a good laugh and then be on your way!

Well, I hoped you guys learned something from my guide. Be safe and fight wisely. And when all else fails, just use this reply worthy of the gods: