Many students arrived at the counseling office, wailing over their Homecoming rejections. In response, Mr. Hicks, kindly — or rather tragically — designated a section of resources for these heartbroken yet semi-functional students called the Teen Social Psychology & Misery Observations, better known as TS-PMO. Hoco proposals, once the pinnacle of teenage romance, have now become a gateway for embarrassment, spinning out of control into a try-not-to-get-humiliated-and-lose-your-dignity-in-front-of-the-whole-school type of situation for most. As said by one particularly sobbing freshman, “I thought high school was going to be like the romance novel Romeo and Juliet (which, by the way, are three words/phrases that should never be said in the same sentence), where I’d find true love and a potential wifey.” Well sadly for this little freshie, his cringey, fan-fic-inspired romance will NOT take place any time soon.
Back to the point, due to the limited resources for funding TS-PMO, the district had no other choice but to appoint me — an unemployed, blacklisted psychiatrist. Why did I fall short? Well, it’s not my fault I took Mark Twain’s quote, “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story,” way too seriously when it came to documenting real-world events. Anyway, over the past week and a half, I’ve compiled a series of 3 totally tragic homecoming rejections. The identity of the rejectees shall not be disclosed in order to protect their last stands of dignity; hence, they shall be referred to by certain aliases.
Case #1: Fruzz vs. Suzz
The following incident seems to mark the first of MANY rejections that would haunt Fruzz’s freshman year as he attempts to pull the huzz. Our victim seemed to have his eye on a reminiscent of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends with Us’s protagonist, Lilly. As directly quoted by Fruzz, “Her red hair . . . redder than my red Labubu. Redder than her sophomore class tee. Oh, did I mention she’s older than me? LOL, I like my women old, just like . . . well, you get the point” (his words, not mine). Despite his passion for Lilly’s doppelganger, she ended up rejecting his proposal for a super-senior (I guess she’s into that super-senior huzz), who happens to be a towering figure with “manly qualities” that overshadow those of Fruzz, particularly his experience and love for pickles. In a reported conversation between Lilly’s doppelganger and the super-senior, she gushes, “Oooh, I love how you predict everything I’m about to say; now that’s a MAN!!” to which he allegedly responds with, “Of course, baby . . . gotta give it my all for my very first relationship.” Later that day, one classmate reported seeing Suzz pulling a bare pickle from his pocket, muttering something about “real men always come prepared,” before dramatically dropping it into his mouth.
Case #2: Matchael
This 6’7 performative junior spent weeks plotting his proposal for a SoCal ABG who just happened to move to Irvington at the start of school. Matchael’s proposal featured a 24k gold Labubu, Starbucks matcha, and a hand-crafted poster reading, “It would mean so matcha if you went to Hoco with me.” Tragically, or more predictably, this SoCal ABG decided she “wasn’t looking for a situationship taller than her emotional availability” and instead accepted a proposal from Rakesh, whose catfishing tactics led her to fall head over heels. When asked for commentary on the subject, Rakesh simply said, “She liked my LED lights, teheh.”
Case #3: Chadgorithm
Our final case features a self-proclaimed STEMster (Sigma Teen Engineer in the Making) known for flexing his 5’s on AP Physics as well as his wide-ranging experience in “emotional unavailability.” This jit decided to keep his proposal “simple, logical, and efficient” by writing an algorithm to calculate the probability that his crush would say yes. Although the program crashed halfway through, he took the following as a “sign from the universe.” His backup proposal consisted of a TI-84 calculator displaying the words “You = Me + Hoco²?” accompanied by a bouquet of 3D printed flowers, wasting a total of $47 and enough plastic to make a small turtle very upset. Along with the bouquet, he had a PowerPoint titled, “Reasons You Should Go to Homecoming With Me (Peer-Reviewed).” Unfortunately, the PowerPoint couldn’t open during his proposal due to the school’s state-of-the-art Wi-Fi, and instead held a frozen screen that said, “Connecting to DO Staff . . .”
When asked to comment, his crush said, “I never felt a connection with him, kind of like our school’s Wi-Fi . . .”
All in all, the Hoco proposal environment at IHS is utterly ruthless but hilariously absurd at the same time. TS-PMO will continue to monitor, document, and provide unfiltered commentary on these tragic social phenomena. Students, keep in mind: your crush may be algorithmically unavailable, socially unavailable, or unavailable for reasons beyond logic, and your Labubu — no matter how gold-plated — cannot save you.
