Every November, families gather to celebrate the joy in their lives and appreciate all the good fortune that has come their way. Then once they finish their Thanksgiving dinners, they flock toward the nearest shopping centers to participate in an animalistic ritual in which fully grown adults compete for half-off appliances. Experts claim it’s about saving money, but eyewitnesses claim it’s for the adrenaline rush.
According to the World Telecommunications of Health (WTH), the leading cause of ER visits in November is 50% off dishwashers. Doctors strongly advise consumers to proceed with caution, noting that 62% of ER visits in November begin with the phrase “I saw it first.”
“I really didn’t expect there to be such massive crowds,” new shopper Sae Vemee claims. “I was only hoping to get a new microwave.” Vemee reports to have found “an absolute steal” of a microwave, marked down from $30,000 to merely $10,000. After being trampled by hordes of middle-aged suburban parents, Vemee was hospitalized with nothing but a dented toaster oven and a coupon that expired in 2017. In a later interview taking place in the emergency room, Vemee laments, “It doesn’t even have a power cord.”
Meanwhile, seasoned shoppers play a different game entirely. “I always head to Starbucks for a quick pick-me-up before Black Friday shopping,” veteran shopper Outof Maiway explains, “and I order enough drinks to keep everyone in line out of the shops for a bit. Once my drinks arrive, I hand them to other customers, filling their hands. It’s really the only way to get a good head start.”
Maiway was reported to be sipping her quad-shot venti pumpkin latte as she proceeded to trample other customers interested in Bluetooth-enabled kitchen appliances.
Psychologists refer to shoppers like Maiway as exhibiting “post-purchase amnesia.” According to behavioral data, 1 in 3 Black Friday veterans experiences “competitive blackout,” where they awaken hours later holding a TV they don’t remember acquiring.
Black Friday cashiers report that while the lines are full of predictable questions, such as, “Do you have more of this in the back?” or “If I looked at it first, does that count as dibs?” the one question that never fails to surprise them is “Are there any acceptable insurance types?”.
After the carnage, 78% of customers report regret over their impulse purchases, and a staggering 67% report hospitalizing injuries. But despite the violence, 62% proudly confirm their return for Cyber Monday, refusing to miss the next round of sales.
