The Stormtroopers’ Plight

Many stormtroopers have taken to unemployment lines under their dire circumstances.

Photoshop by Radhika Munshani

Many stormtroopers have taken to unemployment lines under their dire circumstances.

Radhika Munshani, News Editor

Stormtrooper unemployment rates are on the rise following the abrupt and total destruction of the Death Star. Following this loss, half of the Stormtroopers were laid off from their positions, while some lost their lives during the attack. Some are off seeking work with other organizations geared toward total domination of the galaxy. However, the troopers are receiving little sympathy from the rest of the galaxy. In particular, their work ethic and competency are being brought into question, with many concerns about the Stormtroopers’ dubious ability to recognize the true droid they were looking for and their trademark horrible aim.  

Additionally, the tragedy at the Death Star has shed light upon the poor working conditions the average remaining Stormtrooper must endure. Aside from being used as practice-dummies for the current Sith Lord to refine his “force” choke, they often act as human shields when Jedis attack and must endure perennially cold coffee.

One Stormtrooper who asked not to be identified said, “When you work at the Death Star, you expect to be used as a real-life punching bag. Even the attacks from the Jedis are normal – you can’t expect otherwise when your goal is total galaxy domination. But the coffee, the lack of consumable coffee really in the final nail in the coffin. It just makes work that much harder to endure. I’m reporting this to HR.”

These inhumane conditions have led to the formation of a Stormtrooper Union. On their decision to unionize, the Stormtroopers elaborated on their desire to have some power in the Empire where they are often merely pawns of the latest Sith Lord.

To try to combat the rise of the Union, the Empire tried implementing a number of changes around the workplace. Casual Friday fell flat for the troopers, while group therapy sessions are gaining popularity. Recently, the Empire has adopted a more aggressive approach to discredit the Union, with advanced interrogation techniques being used in employee evaluations. Stormtrooper morale is evidently suffering.

This has spurred many Stormtroopers to risk joining Luke Skywalker. Only the future will tell what will come of this latest blow to the Empire.