Star Wars Episode IX Plot Leaked: So Good You Won’t Be Having a Bad Feeling About This


Andrew Fu

You won't like sand. It's coarse, rough, irritating, and it gets everywhere. But according to Disney executives, you WILL love this movie.

Andrew Fu, Opinions Editor

The highly anticipated Star Wars Episode IX movie script was just leaked to the public by Voice journalists. Using the high ground and the Force, a group of Voice rebels carried out a covert operation past Mickey Mouse into Disney’s heavily guarded Citadel tower, where they found Lucasfilm’s top secret plans for Episode 9. Before being incinerated by the Death Star, they managed to transmit the plans into a Google Doc file and send it through Facebook to eager fans of the franchise. DO NOT take the following for granted—many Bothans died to bring us this information.

The movie is appropriately titled Star Wars: The Last Movie. While it was reported that JJ Abrams was coming back to direct the movie, Disney executives have pulled a plot twist twistier than the LukeIAmYourFather moment and brought back fan favorite Rian (Ruin) Johnson to finish the trilogy, literally. Not only have fans expressed uproarious approval over Johnson’s The Last Jedi, but the movie has also received high scores on Rotten Tomatoes, a clear sign of the its prestige. However, The Last Jedi has still received completely unwarranted backlash by middle-aged sexist manbabies who absolutely despise strong female characters and are unable to identify with Rey not because she’s magically amazing at everything, but because, here me out, she’s a woman (come on guys, I know you all loved Princess Leia, but you need to seriously stop being sexist). Despite their trashy opinions, Disney executives, lead by everyone’s favorite person in the galaxy, Kathleen Kennedy, have created a three-point plan to win back these fans so they can stuff more money in their pockets.

The first part of the plan is created solely for the fans and hopes to incorporate more characters and aliens into the movies so Disney can sell more toys. New breakout characters such as Bob. A. Feet, Obi-Juan, and Kylo Chen will make appearances, along with many others.

Lucasfilm’s second point is to incorporate fan favorite Rose Tico into every single scene of the movie. In addition to speaking out against the evils of capitalism, Rose will reprise her role in ruining every single scene she is in. At the end, Rose will defeat Kylo Ren with her powerful message of “it’s not about fighting what we hate, but saving what we love,” and bring balance to the Force once and for all. Fans’ dying questions about Rose’s parents are also answered: in an unexpected but not totally unbelievable twist at the end, it is revealed that Tico’s father was everyone’s favorite Gungan, Jar Jar Binks. Binks will be reunited with his daughter, and the movie ends with them setting out on an exciting adventure to find Luke Skywalker’s missing right hand.

The final point would be to incorporate more gags into the movie. After enormous fan appraisal of The Last Jedi’s jokes, Episode IX will continue the onslaught of laugh out loud moments. At the beginning of the movie where Kylo Ren is crowned Supreme Leader of the First Order, John William’s epic music plays in the background, and Kylo walks dramatically to this throne, only to sit on a whoopee cushion. Disney executives claim that fans will be left laughing harder than the time when Anakin ranted to Padme about sand. Lucasfilm also hopes to be more “hip” with the younger generation, as evidenced by Episode 9’s use of slang such as “yo yo yo”, “wassup dawg”, and numerous Fortnite references. Instead of the happy Ewok scene in Endor at the end of Return of the Jedi, the sequel trilogy will end off with Rey, Finn, and Poe doing Fortnite dances aboard the Millennium Falcon. With these genius ideas, Disney hopes to improve the quality of the movie and bring fans of the original trilogy back into the franchise.

Overall, this movie will bring something extraordinary into the Star Wars saga. Not only will it attract fans of all ages, but it brings some well-needed humor to a universe known for cutting off body parts.