Isabella Lam, Staff Writer

With talks of World War 3 being evermore prevalent and Pulitzer winning news sites like Tik Tok and Twitter reporting even more hostility between the Cheeto Man and Iran, it becomes clear that Gen Z must fend for itself to survive. Therefore, writers at the Voice have created a survival guide in order to help zoomers continue filming their Renegade dances at home instead of in a war trench.

One of the best ways to continue citizen life is by avoiding the draft. While the IHS Voice definitely doesn’t endorse this illegal behavior, we would still recommend these methods as a 100% foolproof and, most likely, legal way of steering clear of the draft. Please note, the Voice has its own army of lawyers to represent us if you blame us for getting arrested as a result of your desertion from the military.

  1. Take the advice of WWI veterans and hide in a hole, preferably one with AC and a charging port, in order to avoid taking on responsibility. When retreating into your hole, take your phone, instant ramen, and Starbucks Frappuccino Mocha Chilled Coffee Drink™ to help sustain you for the next few years. Your physical and mental health will be no worse than it is now.
  2. Purposely fail your classes so you can stay in school -albeit summer school- to avoid the draft. However, in the case that you have Asian parents, it might be better to join the Marines.
  3. Get pregnant. Even if you physically are not capable of doing so, like Stephan Karl Stephansen says, “There is always a way.” Become a male seahorse. Look into growing a pregnant-belly shaped tumor. Sew a pillow to your shirt and show up to the army meetings wearing it. No one will be able to tell the difference! Falsifying medical records is not a bad idea! 

However, even 100% success rates can still fail. So, in the case that you do get drafted, there is a guide for you too.

  1. Don’t panic: learn the ways of the gamers of Gen Z and Fortnite dance in order to permanently blind your enemies. 

Note: make sure not to do this in front of your fellow soldiers in order to prevent death from embarrassment as well as accidentally blinding your own comrades.

  1. Melt your metal straws to help create bullets for the war effort. Due to the whole VSCO girl trend dying down, the metal straws that were once so coveted are now no longer in such high demand, making metal straws a valuable source of metal. Now, a switch back to plastic straws in order to melt metal straws might be terrible for the ocean creatures. No matter. In every war, there must be sacrifices. It’s the turtles’ turn. And the only personality trait of VSCO girls. 
  2. After the war experience, it’s safe to say that you’ll be a little bit stressed. Luckily for you we are also self-appointed medical experts and have ways to deal with that stress! Treat your PTSD with essential oils. Aromatherapy always works for all issues that you may encounter in your life, including smelly farts, bad grades, and a broken heart. No, the Voice is not sponsored by Young Living. We are not affiliated with a pyramid scheme.

Jokes aside, World War 3 might equal the end of the world, so perhaps it’s a bit insensitive to joke about turtles dying. However, what’s the end of the world without a little bit of fun? All we know for sure is that, if some country accidentally drops a nuclear bomb on good old ‘murica, zoomers will go out with a boom.