How to Secure your Grade


The no fail guide to convince your teacher to round your grade up, in pyramid form. Won’t work in squares. How to use: the strategy at the bottom is the most important, so start there with gifting your teacher an iceberg. Once your teacher has that need fulfilled, then the next effective method for convincing them is right above it. If the iceberg isn’t enough, work your way up, and your teacher will definitely round up your grade by the time you reach the top.

Serena Yeh, Staff Writer

We’ve all been there. You’re at the cusp of the next letter grade, and it seems hopeless- until now. That’s right, I’ve got you a no-fail list of top ways to convince your teachers to round anything from a 58.4 to an 89.9! This is a real application of science, folks- based on the work of Dr. Maslow, the Pyramid man himself, and his Hierarchy of Needs. From exploiting their physiological needs to their self-actualization needs, our methods guarantee a rounded grade. Without further ado, here we go:


Bring your teacher an iceberg from the depths of Antarctica. Make sure you don’t get caught by Greenpeace though, because they might track you down and show up to your doorstep with a dead polar bear that you indirectly killed by stealing its home (oops). The iceberg will be a constant store of water for years (until you factor in the effects of climate change), and its icy presence will remind your teacher to change your grade until they do, or maybe to nudge them to watch the thematic masterpiece Frozen 2. It’s a plus either way.


Get your teacher a guard dog, like a Dobermann or even better, a yappy chihuahua, whose demonic presence will instill fear into anyone who interrupts its gaze. Your teacher won’t see it coming, but they’ll hear your dog from miles away. Providing security to your teacher and their family is the best way to show your teachers that you care. You could consider applying to have an emotional support dog (we all got stresses, I’m sure they’ll let you take one), and just drop off the dog to your teachers under mysterious circumstances whenever you want them to feel peace of mind, and the unexplained urge to round your grade. 

Love and Belonging:

Teachers ship students, right? If your teacher hasn’t found their forever love yet, then do the matchmaking for them. Get together a group of students to ship the teachers, and make an ultimate list of matched up teachers. It’ll be like sixth grade all over again, with an OTP ruling the school. You could also take it one step further: write a cute fanfiction for them, and present it to your teacher. Not only will they respect that you took the initiative to form relationships for them, they’ll be stunned over your beautiful creative writing. 


Perform an intricate dance or sing about your sorrows (and how great your teacher is) to get them to change their minds. Everyone loves a good flash mob: bring your friends as backup dancers, and your teacher will surely have no choice but to round up your grade. One possible downside: your teacher will recognize your talent at organizing flash mobs, and all your tests in the next semester are through interpretive dance. It would definitely make math much more interesting though. Cue the math teachers waving their arms to demonstrate a tangent graph, or pulling a Johnny Travolta to show off those hawt third-degree-polynomial graphs (looking at you, Mr. Johnson). 


At the top of the pyramid is the ability to achieve your full potential. Besides gifting your teacher a gift set of a select few of Joel Osteen’s ninety-plus books, there’s always more you can do to help your teacher achieve self-actualization. Try signing them up for the Church of Scientology. I bet they’re always willing to have new members. Or, pull a “Reverse Uno” – instead of your teacher taking away your phone, refocus your teacher’s determination on personal growth by taking their cell phones. They won’t feel the distraction from social media and other apps on their phone, and they’ll be completely willing to work on achieving their full potential.