IHS Life Club Discovers the Meaning of Life


On Friday, March 19, IHS Life Club hosted an event on the meaning of life and club president Newton Gao’s (12) discoveries on the subject matter.

Gao has been practicing a rigid form of asceticism and abstinence since April 2020, soon after the lockdown began. He has successfully removed himself from all forms of pleasure and indulgence.

“I decided to use the free time to explore life’s purpose while in the midst of this mortal coil,” said Gao during the meeting. “I looked all around me and saw people despairing over the lack of school. I saw my fellow brothers and sisters being forced to spend hours and hours on their computers doing work rather than gaming, blurring the line between their professional and personal lives. And I could not help but ask myself, ‘Why are we still here? Why do we live —just to suffer?’”

Taking a week off in April, he meditated on the words of the motivational book Face the Facts, Son: How to Stomp the Weaklings and Become a Man by veteran Archer Jones for ten days straight, playing 24/7 lofi music in the background and relying solely on a diet of only raw beef, before reaching enlightenment.

“I suddenly had an epiphany: we are born to work until we die.”

He claimed to reject all previous religious beliefs he had held and professed faith in no god except the Invisible Hand of the Free Market. “As written in Face the Facts, we are in a game of natural selection and we must learn not to run away from it but rather embrace it and win the game,” said Gao.

To explain this big brain point to simple Irvington students, IHS Life brought in guest speaker and 99-year-old Rob John Long Kong Jr.

“When I first heard of the possibility of a 401k, I was shocked and upset that my company did not provide the chance to have one. But I realized that I didn’t need one in the first place if I continued to work. I have been working at the same insurance company for 68 years and won Employee of the Month 197 times and counting. I may have been laid off recently, but trust me when I say I had never been happier than when I successfully sold people insurance with discounts ranging from 60% off to 210% off for car insurance.”

Pirated copies of Face the Facts were sent to each of the students to allow them to reach enlightenment on their own. One student reported gaining improved eyesight and literal superpowers after spending only a few minutes in meditation.

Student attendant Selena Zhoumez (9) said, “I thought that Newton’s testimony and especially Robert’s story were really insightful. I just wish Newton hadn’t called people who worked 60-hour weeks ‘lazy.’”

Next week, IHS Life Club will be hosting an event for students who make memes called “How to Get a Life.”