Just like Covid, Love is in the Air <3

News Just in: Irvington Campus the most beautiful place for a scenic wedding.

News Just in: Irvington Campus the most beautiful place for a scenic wedding.

With Valentine’s well past the corner, it’s definitely not the time to give love advice. Despite this, Irvington’s marriage rate for students is still at an annual 0%, so our staff has taken the privilege to help our peers out. Here’s our advice to your excellent questions!

Dear 100%lovematchguaranteed.com,

I recently started dating this girl but we’re having trouble maintaining our relationship online, especially because my AP teachers won’t put us in a breakout room together. We would stare at each other in silence, but it’s OUR silence.  What do I do?


      E. Bauy

Hey E. Bauy,

We have an easy solution to this! The trick is easy, just schedule out which classes you do not share with her. Then—now here’s the part that teachers love—zoom bomb their class for a surprise date! Unmute yourself during their lecture and announce that you have come to the class meeting for her and will take all the class tests for her. Definitely romantic and agreeable with everyone. Success guaranteed!

Good Luck!

Dear 100%lovematchguaranteed.com,

Turns out homecoming is coming up in spring this year although I’ve been home all year. Anyways, I want to ask out a boy in my class to homecoming, but he’s always way too focused on studying for the final. Should I give up?

On the Edge,

    Tressha Pay Tass

Hey Tressha!

Take his focus on finals to an advantage! Here’s the plan: during finals, private message him and ask him out Zoom! If he doesn’t reply, then call him. Or, set a timer that makes a loud noise, then unmute yourself and play the ring. Either way, the message or timer will set him off focus, making him think is time is out, and cause a spike of adrenaline from stress. However, this will simply heighten his feelings for you! He’ll definitely be happy to be caught off focus during his exams! I bet he’ll say yes! 

All the Best!

Dear 100%lovematchguaranteed.com,

I’ve sent so many signals to this person I’ve known for a decade about my feelings, but he seems to have an empty head and just really likes freedom. Should I give him a scarf as a gift? I’m running out of ways to make myself clear.

Sad at the moment,

Tucasa Ackermen

Hey Tucasa!

Don’t fret, my methods are 100% love guaranteed. Whenever the person talks on zoom during class, all you have to do is just press the heart react. During Socratic seminars, unmute ourselves to say you agree with what they said, repeat what they said word by word, and then don’t say anything else. The teacher will be proud of your listening skills and it’s super effective and cute. If they really are that oblivious, then pin their video and private message them that you did so! Let the sparks fly as they come to the realization that you’ve done so and turned their video off! They’ll probably be hiding their blush :))). 

Long live love!