ASG Rolls Out Date Rentals for Single Losers


The Viking Vendor displays different pricing options for date rentals.

As prom approaches, students at Irvington High School scramble to find dates for the dance. Fortunately, ASG recently began offering date rentals through the Viking Vendor to those whose search for dates remains fruitless.

Currently, Irvington High School juniors are too busy fretting over their second semester grades, and seniors are too busy not doing anything about theirs to make meaningful connections with people. ASG president Batai Dea (12) pitched the idea for date rentals after observing a dearth of potential partners at Irvington.

“The dating pool here is nonexistent,” expressed Dea. “We’re only throwing ourselves into our schoolwork because we’ve never experienced romance in high school.”

“I’m really proud of what ASG put together,” said Mr. Won’ter. “Irvington students are so, so hopeless. Oh my God. If it wasn’t for our student government, Irvington students’ biggest contribution to society would be drastically lowering the divorce rate since no Irvington student would find a partner to begin with.”

So far, the date rental service has been an enormous success, so much so that clients rent dates outside of dances.

“ASG is incredible for doing this,” remarked D’esprit Lohnur (12). Before date rentals, the only other man I’ve held the hand of is my driving instructor when he grabbed my steering wheel.”

Some students have been renting dates as frequent as every day or every other day. Rates range from $200/hr for the basic package to $1000/hr for the deluxe package, which includes unlimited romantic Tesla rides around Pacific Commons.

“My date feels like my girlfriend at this point. I think she really likes me,” said Del Lusional (12).

“I really like the pay,” said date rental Vic Tim. “$100 an hour is not bad for hanging out with sweaty teenagers. It would be nice if they paid me all the money I earned, though.”

However, it raises medical challenges as well as ethical questions.

“The number of students who contracted mono has gone up exponentially,” expressed Principal Shicks. “I think they should practice abstaining from any kind of contact with anyone. Don’t even look at people or you’ll get mono.”

IHS BAStA, Model UN, and other clubs on campus oppose the service.

“Does anyone else see that ASG is literally hustling people?” asked Acty Vist (11). “Boycott the service. We need to get ABSOLUTELY ZERO ACTION—for the greater good.”

“Human trafficking? What? No. We are definitely not trafficking humans here,” said Mr. Won’ter. “We’re bringing in and paying people to date high schoolers.”

With these controversies, the future of the date rental program is at stake. Despite its questionable purposes, it has managed to introduce a little more love into pitiful Irvington students’ lives.