Irvington Dominates in New Scantron Eating Sport


In a shocking turn of events, Irvington Athletics is now accommodating for a new sport: speed scantron eating. After a grueling debate with the Mission Valley Athletics League, Irvington coaches have finally convinced the league to introduce a new sport. Accessing the talents of their student body, the coaches decided the best bet for Irvington would be to go for a speed-eating sport. However, upset at the implications, teachers and parents protested with the Athletics Department, arguing that the talents of the Irvington school body must be tied to student academics. Compromising between the sport of speed eating and the sport of test-taking, the Department decided to sanction a new sport: Scantron Eating.

Interestingly, the beginnings of this sport owe it all to the quarantine. Due to COVID restrictions, Irvington students had begun to get antsy and try new things, including new foods. Among these foods: scantrons. Irvington teachers explain, “We’ve had way too many of these lying around after the College Board forced us to cancel all our in-person standardized exams. It was simply too accessible.” The paper company that produced these scantrons is eager for this new avenue of revenue, publicly announcing that their “scantrons are extremely nutritious, and a great no-calorie snack!” 

Student athlete Krin Gee talks about their great love for the sport. As Krin explains, “I’ve got such a passion for the sport! I’ve pushed myself to my limits and expanded my horizons.” After 5 minutes of these cliches, the competitor informed us that they would like a copy of our transcript so they can copy their lines into their college essay. When asked if they would continue the sport after they finished their college applications, Krin very kindly asked us to jump off a cliff. In a separate interview, another competitor tells us that “trees are just too darn tasty.”

The Irvington team seems to be doing quite well in competition. The team is planning on setting up more practices to improve their league rankings. With a record-breaking season of the most scantrons consumed as a team, it’s clear that Irvington Scantron Eating is in it to win it. In other news, the April SAT has been announced to be canceled at Irvington due to a lack of scantrons. The mystery is still being investigated.