Lana Del Rey Comes into Power: A New Era



Lana Del Rey stans worship their queen.

As the US attempts to heal after the widespread chaos of 2020, a recent development in Washington DC makes this particularly unlikely. On March 23rd, 11:53pm, Lana Del Rey stans stormed the capitol, surprising the capitol guards with another raid. By 2:01am on March 24th, the coup d’état run by Lana Del Rey fans had captured the capitol. Lana Del Rey, a 35 year old renowned singer-songwriter, is as taken aback by this development as the rest of the country, but she is eager to rise to the occasion. What this means for the country is unclear, but as the stans inform us through snapchat, “change is coming.”

Recently, a wave of messages from fans flooded social media, asking all to “repent” before their Lord and savior, Lana Del Rey, would conquer the country. Despite the ubiquitous nature of these warnings, the Biden administration paid no attention to them. Evidently, this was a mistake. Now, Joe Biden has been exiled from the US and shipped to a senior retirement community in Antarctica. However, this is far from the only development that the Rey administration has enacted. Rey tells reporters, “I, uh, did not see this coming. But at least I won’t be bombing the Middle East, so I think I’m qualified.” When asked what other changes she will be enacting, Rey informs the nation that the national anthem will be  changed to her hit single, National Anthem. As Lana explains, “It’s irony.” 

To gain some insight into how the coup was able to succeed, the Voice interviewed a Lana stan who stormed the capitol. The interviewee, wishing to remain anonymous, explained that they “overthrew the government for Lana.” When asked how the decision was made, the fan said that the event had been planned for months in the Lana Del Rey Discord server. However, it was unexpected that the coup actually worked. As the stan continues, “There are a lot of mixed feelings in the community today. Being arrested wasn’t fun, but we’ll do anything and everything for our lord and savior.”

In light of these turn of events, the question of what will follow is on the mind of millions. After checking in with the Lana Del Rey administration, some decisions are conclusive. First, the United States, for the first time in history, will be a monarchy. As the publicity team in the White House tells The Voice, “Lana is a sucker for absolutism.” The future for the citizens of the US is unclear. Second on Rey’s agenda is disbanding the current forms of government, including the justice system. As the supreme leader of the nation, there is no longer a need for court, because Lana’s word is now law. Lana is, in her own words, a “legislator, judge, and president all at once.” Unfortunately for the former Supreme Court Justices, who are now without jobs, this change teaches that true tenure does not exist. Finally, Lana declares that her rule will also be investing in broadband internet access that only allows viewers to listen to her songs. 

All in all, the upheaval in government can guarantee that things will be different. There is no saying how the nation will develop in the coming weeks, but one thing is clear: It is too late to repent now. It is time to face the new nation under Lana, and it is probably a good idea to memorize the new national anthem too.