We’re FULLY Reopening Next Week



We’re coming back bois.

On Mar. 24th, in another classic all-nighter board meeting where nothing gets done for six hours, the Board of Education approved a plan to fully reopen all Fremont Unified high schools next week, throwing the hybrid model out the window. The Fremont Unified District Teachers’ Association put up a good fight during the meeting, but the Trustees were so tired from a 3-hour long conversation on the agenda item, prefaced by 500 public comments regarding senior graduations during open communications, that they tuned everyone out and just rolled with the plan.

Ever since Texas issued one of the most speedy reopening measures, California Governor Gavin “Recall” Newmask has been panicking because Texas was stealing California’s progressive spotlight. He issued the order to fully reopen all schools or else he’d take away the allotted funding “like taking candy away from a baby.” Alameda County decided to grant his wish.

“The county folks said they were going to give the governor his big break,” said Fremont Board Trustee Italk Alot. “Plus that’s some big-boy money on the table, enough to pay for half the debt we got from buying clocks.”

Irvington High School has been preparing for this moment since Day One because the school administration believes students would be eager to return to their campus, designed by a prison architect. Disinfectants and hand sanitizers were hogged from arch-nemesis Mission San Jose High School and instead of the mandatory tissue boxes that students are coerced to bring, all students will now be required to bring hand sanitizer for the use of the teacher only. Hand sanitizer will be stashed in every room’s cabinets in place of the usual tissue boxes, which raised concerns about what to do in the seasonal rise of allergies.

“Obviously we’re not going to have space for both tissues and disinfectant,” said an anonymous Irvington administrator. “But that’s okay, because if students start sneezing, they’ll be sneezing in their masks. They can use the masks to clean themselves up too. It isn’t any different than their sleeves anyway.”

Because of full reopening, the six-foot distance rule has also been thrown out of the window. However, all students will be required to wear masks when on campus, though some students are making flexible interpretations of the rule.

“Wearing masks on chins counts,” said Corp Zoomgod (11). “Otherwise, you’re implying that my chin isn’t sensitive to COVID-19, which it most definitely is. I have a beard and I intend to keep it clean. It’s what attracts the girls!”

In reality, students like Zoomgod are not eager to return to campus for the rest of the school year. That sentiment is the highest among juniors, who would rather take their finals at home, where it’s open-book and open-Internet. Seniors, on the other hand, are happy with spending their last moments on Irvington campus.

“We’re not actually coming back to attend class,” said Missing Hoco (12). “This is our opportunity to vandalize and senior-prank the campus without breaking the trespassing rule. Oh, and we want our senior graduation to be in-person.”

The difference in opinions has created a rift between juniors and seniors. As Homecoming Week will now be held on campus—featuring sad props in the courtyards because class council stopped trying and didn’t have time to make things for benchbuilding—the seniors have vowed to march into every junior classroom in their military colors on the infamous Army Day and chant “Seniors! Seniors!” in their faces. 

All grades are in agreement, however, that they will not attend in-person instruction for any math classes because everyone knows doing math tests at home is magically easier. After hearing this, math teachers have been fairly cooperative with it.

“You think I want to take a 2-hour drive to campus just to sit in a classroom full of children again?” said Mr. Love de’Kids, an AP Oceanography teacher whose subject somehow qualifies as math credit. “Of course not! At school, I’m being held accountable to teach. But if I do distance learning, I can always blame the online platform for screwing up my poor teaching of a poorly classified subject.”

Although math concepts are easier to convey over Zoom, other classes and electives have had a rough time with over a semester of distance learning. English teachers have been engaged in bribery warfare with students over who gets to influence Sparknotes, Shmoop, and Cliffsnotes content. Some science teachers are facing lawsuits over home-made experiments gone wrong. And history teachers have resorted to teaching the history of pandemics rather than the world because students don’t want to learn the latter anyway. 

“Personally, my class depends on an in-person setting,” said Mrs. Ihate Childs, the Alien Psychology teacher. “In order to study aliens, we must first dissect the human brain in class. That’s why I love my kids so much—they all have such interesting minds!”

FUSD has decided to cancel Spring Break in light of full reopening. All administrators have been instructed to keep an eye out for campus fights between juniors and seniors as well as any teacher strikes—if the administrators themselves even come back to campus, that is.