Prom Relocated To Kumon Learning Center


ASG had to get creative with decorations this year.

Due to yet another slew of budget cuts, Irvington’s prom will once again be held at Kumon Learning Center this year. ASG anticipates a capacity of thirty to forty people, which will accommodate less than 10% of the senior class. 

Irvington students must follow Kumon policies while at the venue. “We won’t be turning on the music until everyone finishes their math drills,” said ASG advisor Minoru Tanabe. “Some of the teachers from Irvington will be available as temporary part-time tutors, so they’ll check all of the worksheets and make sure the kids got everything right.” Students will also have the opportunity to trade their completed worksheets for high-quality catering, such as full sleeves of saltine crackers or tap water. However, failure to complete assigned homework within the allotted time (the entirety of prom) means that students will be unable to purchase food. 

Student Brian Klingborg said that Kumon’s “morose” atmosphere and “demoralizing” lighting will likely make this year’s prom even more unbearable than usual. “The sad little face on all of Kumon’s logos is nothing short of depressing,” Klingborg added. “I’d say they’re really trying to prevent us from having a good time.” 

Tanabe, however, believes that Kumon serves as a relevant and on-theme venue. “Kumon’s rigidity and conformation to structured busywork works splendidly in tandem with Irvington’s culture and identity. In fact, Kumon has been supplying Irvington with top-notch students for years. None of them are depressed or anything; they’re just living up to high expectations.” 

Teachers will not be compensated for working overtime as a prom chaperone, despite being assigned to grade arithmetic packets and other homework. “I am excited to go over the English worksheets, though,” noted Irvington teacher Ken Morimoto. “The multiple-choice passages are fun to read. I find them informative.” 

Students will be able to purchase prom tickets on the official Kumon website.