Interviewer: “Hey everybody, my name is Tonka Jahari and I am here to deliver humbling statements to innocent civilians. Ooh, who do we have here?” 

(Walks into room with Victim 1)

Interviewer: “My first victim. Have you ever used technology to cheat your way out of something?”

Victim 1: “I am Advancio Placemento but I would NEVER rely on AI “Study” websites to earn me a 5 on my AP exams instead of actually opening a textbook.”

Interviewer: “Fair enough. Okay moving on!”

Victim 2: “I am Academian Weaponning but I would NEVER submit a personal statement on my Common App that hasn’t been reviewed by 50 college sophomores, my long-distance cousins, and Einstein himself.” 

Interviewer: “Whatever you say, next victim”

Victim 3: “I am Resumeck Stackton but I would NEVER start a “non-profit” organization which lives by its mission statement of ‘providing for the community,’ when in reality it just spam posts ‘inspiring quotes’ on Instagram and calls it a day.”

Interviewer: “If you insist! Come on in Victim 4.”

Victim 4: “I am Last Minuto Crammern but I would NEVER stay up until 2 AM playing League and speedrun my physics homework 5 minutes before class starts.”

Interviewer: “Oh my gosh. Please go touch grass. Okay next!”

Victim 5: “Hello I am Stan Deurd Dized Thestin Demion but I would NEVER place all my bets on Desmos to carry me through the math section of the SAT instead of just reviewing math problems. 

Interviewer: “I bet everyone around you is confused as to why you’re always furiously typing on your laptop.”

Interviewer: “*Cough* And that wraps up our interviews for today! To all our interviewees, continue telling yourselves that and continue to reach success in your lives!”