Irvington’s Physical Education (PE) course has officially removed their well-known required fitness routine, the BUUM. Starting April 1, 2026, the BUUM will no longer be practiced after the Supreme Court ruled the running assessment a “cruel and unusual punishment to the children” under the 8th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution.
Originally named the “Two Mile Run,” the BUUM was retitled in honor of Bob Buum, a respected track and cross-country coach who has taught PE in Irvington for thirty years. His wife would bake a chocolate cake for track students who broke records on the running assessment, creating sweet memories for alumni.
After releasing details of the BUUM removal trial, the United States Reports reveal that the Supreme Court’s decisions on the BUUM were rooted purely in personal experience, as the justices stated that they were unable to recall their childhood selves suffering through the “stuffy atmosphere of track” and “sweating in green-smeared, soaked uniforms.” Furthermore, Justice Clarence Thomas emphasized his concern for the future of the children, adding, “These poor children should only be allowed to run less than 0.1 miles a week.”
Ron Phaster (9) expressed his relief over the ban. “We only have two hours of sleep, so it’s hard to survive a full school day after running the BUUM,” he said. “My legs always look like a phospholipid afterward.”
“And since they removed the chocolate cakes, they were bound to remove the BUUM at some point too,” Noah Pinion (10) added.
The report further explains that under the 28th Amendment, which grants citizens the right to “sit this one out,” children will no longer run into poles or slip into muddy puddles. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 2.3 million adolescents aged seventeen and under in the U.S. in 2022 had received a lifetime diagnosis of concussions, so choosing to ban the BUUM will reduce the amount of sobbing and healthcare needed to tend to broken skulls.
“I’m a little disappointed,” said Coach Harrilegg, a new PE instructor at Irvington. “As a PE teacher, I wanted to witness children sunburnt and crying from the sizzling in their hands after doing pushups on the 180-degree Fahrenheit pavement, while also then panting like dogs after the run. It’s meant to teach them that beauty is pain.”
As a result of the ban, the track will be demolished. The Irvington Track and Field team plans to continue borrowing a rival school’s well-established track, though their captain has suggested a considerable idea to rub goose droppings on the ground to create a new track for the team to efficiently practice on after school in order to simulate the feeling of running on the old one.
The future of PE is uncertain, but the course’s teachers have considered replacing the BUUM with another fitness routine known as the “Thousand Burpees.”
“I don’t think we need PE anymore,” Pinion suggested. “Everyone here just sits on the sidelines and already goes out of breath after getting up to go home. Maybe that’s enough exercise for us.”
FUSD administration and Irvington PE teachers are currently working to find a solution for the sudden removal, hoping that PE will continue to encourage children to touch grass.
“How will these Gen Alpha kids stay fit with all this preservative cafeteria food and gas station junk stuck in their bloodstream?” Harrilegg pondered. “We should at least implement a speed-walking lesson to fix this.”
