Inside Rihanna’s apartment: 

[record scratch] So here’s the latest —

Um like, do I need to talk formally for people to take me seriously? Cause I’m a diva. Um like, yeah. So like, yeah. I’m gonna try before you guys actually [redacted] kill me. 

[record scratch] 

Monotone: Here we get the latest scoop of Rihanna and what she’s doing in her retirement.

Okay, [redacted] it I’m not talking like that kill me for that if you want for being a rebel. Actually, don’t kill me, even if you want to. Well, Rihanna isn’t retired yet I lowkey think that’s a lie. Like, she isn’t in a like, nursing home or something. Like, why would you even think that? She’s young, hot, and thriving. She just like, hates all her fans, and I’m really credible by the way trust me keep listening to me please I’m trying to be funny please I swear I’m funny. 

I would know. I’m her pet ant, Solaro. I’m like, a total bisexually driven diva. And like, I also have no sources to back any of this up but just trust me when like, I say that like, Rihanna hates all of you and loves me. But please read this. It’s really important. Like, really really important. 

I met the girl of my dreams a few days ago. And like, I need to go see her again. She’s probably raiding Rihanna’s soup stash again. 

Yeah, Rihanna has a soup stash. Nymeria, the girl of my dreams, is always raiding it. 

I’m Rihanna’s pet ant, Solaro. I said that already. God forbid an ant has a short attention span. Memory span. At this point I’m basically like, a fish. Y’know, cause I have no memory? Duh? Whatever. 

So I met the girl of my dreams a few days ago, and we’re like, totally going to see her together. Keep reading please don’t stop reading. I swear I actually know how to be funny, like, yeah. 

Rihanna’s blasting SOS again. I hate it. I’m sick of it, like, yeah no I don’t want to hear it again. She’s practicing a new routine because she’s sad she can’t perform it anymore because she’s too busy trying to take care of her pet ant. And no, she’s not neglectful of her pet ant, and by that I mean me. Look! She lets me get air sometimes. And doesn’t try to kill me every other day by swatting me with her pointe during the routine. How sweet of her, like. 

I swear Rihanna knows I live here and I’m not a parasocial fan that likes to break into people’s houses and like, yeah. Wreak havoc or raid their food or look for new ants to get along with, cause like, yeah. I get along with all the ants ever to ant and that’s quite antly, what I care about. 

So like, yeah. She’s still practicing her routine, look at her. I think she’s like, sick of her own singing, cause like, yeah, she really hates singing and like, yeah. She’s bored so she needs to redo the same routine. [Loud crash and scream] — and woah, she almost hit me with a broom again. And like, did you see the news earlier about someone breaking into her house? That was like, probably me. 

She’s like, put a restraining order on me, cause like, yeah, I come to her house and she can’t get rid of me and all I want to do is meet the ant of my dreams in the kitchen in Rihanna’s soup ingredients stash. And like, yeah. That’s like, so sad. Except she twisted it and said that I had a weapon, but the only weapon here is my charisma that all the ants love me for.

Okay, wait let me go raid her stash. You guys are coming with me and my tiny camera. Um, I’m going to like, talk quieter. That’s like…Nymeria NO SHE’S LOOKING THIS WAY. 

[Hey Solaro. What’s up?] 

Oh guys, I’m normal guys what am I doing guys? [louder] HI ARE YOU RAIDING HER SOUP STASH AGAIN? 

[Um yeah? I like soup…Wanna join?]

[indistinct] we found love in a hooopeless plaaaaaaaaaace….

Wait but this isn’t a hopeless place? It’s just…Rihanna’s house.

[maybe…we’re just in a hopeless world…and we’re only a part of it.]

Guys, she’s so wise. (Breaking the 4th wall: Guys no that was the cringiest thing ever why did I write that)

[what?] 

What? I didn’t say anything. Look, we’re on camera! Let’s talk about how Rihanna hates her life and loves the ants that stay here. That’s why life may be a little brighter. I am a fire ant after all, made to spit fire bars and be fire forever. I’m literally so fire, like, yeah.

[Why are you talking like that? Just talk normally, or go away, or let me eat my soup.] 

Wait, no, I’m tryinguh. You don’t understand, I have a speech impediment. It’s a type of fever. Because I’m burning up for you.

[crickets chirping] [Oh that’s not… But are you sure you’re okay? You actually look like you’re dying. We need to eat her soup ingredients that she left out on the counter so she crashes out, because Rihanna’s lowkey evil…is your camera picking any of this up for your gossip mag?]

That I don’t have a parasocial relationship with Rihanna to raid her food stash and that she’s a nice person but just hates her job? Yeah. As the first ant-gossip magazine broadcaster, I try my best to stick to my sources and do anything but like, uh, go against what we like, as journalists adhere to. Rumors are for babies, after all. And like, we also don’t [cough, cough, wheeze, cough cough cuff, sneeze, cough —]…oh no, I think you’re actually making me sick. I can’t — [cough cough meese wheeze cough] 

[Are you like…okay? Why are you working when you’re sick? That’s so sick and twisted of you, trying to get me sick when you’re already sick]

FOLKS, AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM PERFECTLY– SICK. PERFECTLY LIKE, FINE. I SAID THAT TWO SECONDS AGO. and Rihanna loves me and so does Nymeria the ant with all the most reliable information that I’m here to report. And like, yeah, I swear I know what I’m talking about.

[Girl do you have chipmunk? Clammy feet? Chungidya? Chimpanzee? What do you call…] 

I don’t have clammy feet! I mean yeah, her house is cold, but I feel like, I like, have a fever, so like, um yeah like yeah. As journalists, we persist and stay on duty and report very important, very reliable news. I swear we’re like, not sick and not working while we’re sick. I don’t feel so good…No…I think we stared at each other for too long and now I’m getting Chlaymida and this all your…no…let me get up — I know I can’t talk to women just leave me alone…

[shaking, wheezing, dying, shivering, meesing, cuff, cuff, cuffing, cough, sneeze — ] Bam.

[Um, Solaro, dude? Are you like…awake?]

[Guys, he’s not getting up. Like at all. What the hell. I guess I’m taking over. That guy was annoying anyways. Nice guys always finish last was the type of [redacted] he said unironically, what was there to trust? Anyways yay I’m glad he’s dead now I WILL TAKE OVER AND NOT HAVE A PARASOCIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A CELEBRITY AHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH]

[Sorry guys that was really bad and unfunny I’m just not good at being evil and funny but I swear I’m cooler than he is. Solaro was annoying I’m glad he’s gone. The end thank you for —] 

[crash] WHY ARE YOU RAIDING MY SOUP INGREDIENTS??? THAT’S IT.