Young love is a beautiful phenomenon; it is, therefore, no surprise that the average wedding in California merits a $40k budget. But Bay Area natives Idont Wreely Loveher and Iactua Llyhatehim have embraced a new perspective on spending; in what they consider a proactive response to rising healthcare costs and declining educational funding that will undoubtedly cost their future family (Loveher has said he hopes to have anywhere from 6-9 children, all attending Ivy League schools), they are foregoing the usual expenses through their choice of an unconventional wedding venue: the Irvington High School Courtyard.
The couple has planned their wedding for this fall. Although they were initially hoping for a spring ceremony, they were unable to coordinate with ASG in time to piggyback on Spring Fling — as Llyhatehim explained, having the event coincide with a school dance is extremely important, so that the entertainment, refreshments, and music are provided for. The two consider it a shame that they will not be crashing the Blacklight Rally, since it is certainly glazed the most, but they mutually decided that the Homecoming Rally would suffice. They may participate in a rally classic, bubble wrestling, depending on whether the dress Llyhatehim ends up purchasing from SHEIN has a short enough hemline to accommodate rash movements. In terms of foodstuffs, Loveher regards the greasy pizza that is a staple of dances particularly fondly, making it suitable for his wedding — he recently reminisced, “It brings me back to my school-boy days…also, you know, yesterday night…and the night before that…and, come to think of it, the night before that.” And DJ will be playing a line-up of “hip and cool” Wedding March remixes throughout the night.
So, the event has been officially scheduled for the 2026 to 2027 school year, during Homecoming. A tentative itinerary has been created: vows will be exchanged right after the Homecoming King and Queen are announced. The future Mr. and Mrs. Loveher, who narrowly missed making Homecoming Top 3,000 back in their day (a year ago), emphasized their excitement to share in the delight of the newly crowned. “I just know it will feel so special to be standing up there, in front of a crowd who looks so much like the peers whose attention I used to crave, with the spotlight on me,” Loveher confided. “I’m really looking forward to it.” The couple has described the Irvington student roster as nothing short of the perfect guest list. The presence of teenagers bursting with joy, optimism, and positive energy, Llyhatehim predicts, will turn the mosh pit into “such an exciting place to have [their] first slow dance.”
The venue arrangements alone do not capture the couple’s savviness. They are saving still more precious dollars to be invested in their quaint five-story, 8,000 square foot house in Palo Alto — in the form of “swan-shaped hedges” and perhaps the “koi-carp bathtub, a recent front page highlight on Rich Home Stuff” that Llyhatehim has been eying — by recruiting Irvington students for other services. Incoming IHS Photography I students, for example, are excited for the opportunity to expand their portfolio as official photographers. One of the hires, Ikno Nuthin (9), is optimistic that this gig will be invaluable to her budding career. “I just hope I figure out how to make the pictures not come out blurry by then!” she probably joked — probably…hopefully…probably not. The flowers will be handpicked from the Irvington field (“I find that arrangements with dead grass have personality,” Loveher remarked). And the wedding cake will be commissioned from IHS Culinary. A simple three-tier vanilla cake, from which all the students in attendance will be allowed to help themselves to a heaping helping of 1/1,000th. And at the end of the night, instead of renting a 1966 Ford Mustang, Loveher has carefully arranged for a “Just Married” plaque to be affixed to the beloved Irvington golf cart and excited band kids to serve as chauffeurs. “I dream of the moment where, with my arm around my beloved Iactua, we drive off into the distance [Author’s Note: to clarify, by off into the distance, he means to the edge of Irvington property, before it is promptly returned to the golf cart lady]” he declared, a look somewhere between dreamy and rabid in his eyes. Consumed by their new responsibilities, many Irvington students have undertaken harsh training regimens. Nuthin, for example, now practices with her camera for a minimum of 300,000 milliseconds a day.
Altogether, the celebration has proved a powerful initiative for the student body to embrace, giving aspiring mosh-pit dominators, photographers, chefs, and golf cart drivers a renewed sense of purpose in these months before the event. And all Irvington students are taking away important lessons from Loveher and Llyhatehim’s story: they did not rush into marriage. In fact, they dated for an entire month before wedding rings entered the discussion. But now that they have committed to each other, they’re exemplifying responsible spending behaviors — any Bay Area resident can adopt them as models for avoiding bankruptcy. Even after their wedding, they will continue looking for new ways to save. On that note, a final message from Loveher and Llyhatehim: if you are above the age of 7 and have won at least one “Responsibility” or “Citizenship” award in your year(s) at school, you might be the perfect person to be our future babysitter — give us a call at +1(555) 336-3339 if you would be willing to work for koi-bathtub access.
