6/7/26

[Redacted

[Redacted]

Dear [redacted],

Due to the excess amount of toxic black mold growing within the walls of [redacted] high school, we have once again changed the construction plans. While we have hidden this from the students of [redacted] High School, the problem urgently requires a solution. A high number of students seem to be passing out due to the mycotoxins, and we can no longer cover up our inaction. Painting over the mold with white paint no longer seems to be an effective method, although we are not quite sure why. 

The proposed solution the administration came up with is to demolish the entire school and rebuild. After telling the district about this tiny mold problem, they surprisingly came into possession of  a large sum of money to “not get sued.” After being completely utterly penniless for decades, we are shocked and unsure of what to do with this excessive amount of money. 

We have started phase one of the plan, which includes demolishing the theater building named Valhalla. Seeing as  it is neither golden nor majestic, we decided to build a large data center in the middle of the school. A large portion of children graduating from this school are rapidly dropping out of college and creating their very own AI startups, so as a school in the middle of Silicon Valley, we decided to lend a helping hand. Hopefully, we will be paid back in some profitable crypto. 

While starting the digging process, some interesting artifacts have been unearthed. Fossils from the millennial era have been found around campus, and continue to befuddle students. Students have found flip phones and some are sent into anaphylactic shock trying to figure out how past students couldn’t “flick up.” Further items found include Mr.Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah, a beloved bear plush wearing a diaper and bib and an old tire. 

Our school remains a dangerous place for an average student, with the equally dangerous threats of black mold and vhs tapes sending students into respiratory shock. 

Personally, as a pertinent administration member, I believe I should be sent out on a fact finding mission to Bali, as this is a stressful time, not only for the students who keep passing out, but also for the administration who have to pick them up and make sham excuses to the hysterical parents. 

This job truly takes a toll on the caring and principal members such as I. Please consider my proposal for a much needed trip to Bali. 

In service of the children (and myself, primarily), 

[Redacted]