Irvington is debuting a new sport in the upcoming school year: Speed Dating. After much deliberation by the district athletic committee, FUSD officials concluded that speed dating possesses all the characteristics of a sport: requiring physical/mental exertion and skill.
As in any sport, speed dating has positions played by the best members of the team. The first position is the DWHJN (“Don’t worry, he’s just nonchalant”). This position is filled by the most mysterious and indifferent player. Common skills of the DWHJN include texting you all night but walking past you in school and texting “what” or “ye” 90% of the time. The second position is the SS (Situationship Seeker). The SS is the player best at making someone think they want a relationship, but who swoops in at the moment things become serious with the line, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” Common skills of this player include lovebombing and saying, “ion really mess with labels ykwim?”.
The next position is the Try Hard. The Try Hard is essentially the foil player to the DWHJN. Their characteristics include extreme chalantness and a loud personality. Common moves of this player include walking their target to every class, spamming pickup lines, and spawning in the target’s commonly frequented locations (Sephora, the Needoh aisle at Target, or a Beabadoobee concert). The next position is the Ghoster, known for disappearing after a few rounds. This is one of the easier positions to play.
The final position is N&U (“Niche & Underground”). N&U dominates the competition by copying their target’s interests. Fem Inist (11), who has played N&U for club teams shared, “My secret to excelling as the N&U is to stalk my target’s Instagram highlights. One time I told a girl that my favorite song was “4EVER” by Clairo because I saw her use it in a picture she posted 6 years and 3 months ago. Less than 2 minutes later, she asked me if I could pick her up to go get matcha!”
The sport involves mini competitions in which the team sends their most suited players to perform, similar to track & field competitions. These competitions involve mogging, the buzzer game, and pickup line rounds. Mogging involves trying to outshine your rivals in looks, outfits, and being performative. The buzzer game is similar to traditional speed dating and involves contestants talking to targets for 1 minute each. If a target hits the buzzer for them 3 times, meaning they rejected them, the contestant is out. The contestant that lasts the longest is the winner. Pickup line rounds involve contestants saying their best pickup line to a single target, and the target gets to decide whose they found the most amusing.
The athletic committee acknowledged that they were initially uncertain about instating the sport due to multiple controversies that have arisen in club leagues. Alott Arizz, an athletic committee official, commented, “There have been issues with contestants using ChatGPT and other AI tools to come up with pickup lines. Additionally, some players have been known to use “Friend-zoning” as a defense tactic to avoid rejection.” The athletic committee still decided to continue with the implementation of the sport, concluding that all sports involve controversies and this should not set back this new athletic movement.
