Greetings my pea-brained readers of the Irvington Voice, 

It has come to my attention that these games we have added to our newspaper are “too hard.” From the whispers in the hallways, I heard one student say, “These crosswords require an unreasonable amount of thinking.”  Well my dear, one must attempt to use their brains when they have no beauty. Another voice grumbled “ This word search is going to eat me alive!” And to that I must say “WHAT THE ACTUAL [redacted] 🤬🤬🤬🤬”  (forgive me my dear readers for this rather passionate use of language). However, being a lady of my stature, I mustn’t simply believe the gossip that circles the hallways of these schools, so I decided to conduct my own personal survey — after all one must rely on proper investigation over the tears of students who were defeated by empty squares. 

Now, when I looked at the responses of this survey, there were various, and I mean VARIOUS, instances of idiocracy. 70% of the students claimed the games were “too hard” — well in the words of you youth “it’s not that deep.” Nearly 50% admitted they couldn’t even finish a single crossword without resorting to guesswork or enlisting their best friend ChatGPT, which I must admit is quite appalling. Take the words of Anita Knapp (10), who remarked, “I stared at the Mad Libs for so long, I think it tried to bite me.” Or even Ima Stu Pea (12), who simply stated, “These puzzles are clearly designed for geniuses. I am not a genius.” Indeed, Ima Stu Pea, indeed you are not — I’m glad that you were able to come to this profound conclusion yourself. This lack of intellectual fortitude among our school really has me baffled.

Well, fear not my odd staremasters, for I am here to unravel the secrets to properly complete our word games. First, might I suggest a brief pre-puzzle slumber. After all one does think more clearly after a nap, or so I’ve been told (this author never sleeps as you must have realized by now). Second, and I believe this is quite a crucial reason for the lack of answers, is to invest in a nice pair of spectacles. I believe you have all gaslit yourself into believing you have 20/20 vision, but with all the time you spend on TikTok, your vision might be in the negatives. And finally, my most favorite of them all, just rip it up into pieces and eat it — essentially, pretend it never existed. Should someone ever inquire if you solved the crossword, you may reply with great confidence, “What crossword? My newspaper didn’t have one,” and then show them your tattered newspaper.

Yours in Puzzles,

#1 Internationally Ranked Puzzle Master