RINGGGGG. Oh my god. It’s 8:23 in the morning and I’ve awoken from my slumber. What the heck man. I barely get any rest these days.

And to make matters worse, everyone is staring at me. Like always. I used to like the attention but after 50 years of this, it’s getting old. Sometimes, I stare back at these evil unmensches but it’s not very comfortable. I can feel the judgement emitting from their eyes. For some reason, they are under the assumption that I’m in control of the time, when in reality, I am simply the messenger. Clearly, they’ve never heard the expression “don’t shoot the messenger.”

Oh and then on days when they have a test, these kids go FERAL. The moment someone realizes they have 5 minutes left, chaos erupts. Pages start being turned frantically, pencils are scribbling nonsense and calculators are solving 1+1. I take deep pleasure in this moment. And contrary to what I said earlier, I do speed up the time, just a little bit — I love seeing the freshman hyperventilate over a question that was briefly glossed over during class. 

I hear everything too. Yes Joshua, I’m talking about you. I heard you thinking about your AP Chem test you took during first period. And let’s get real question number 3 was only 2 points. Your GPA isn’t tanking because of that. Also, if you’re that concerned about getting into UCLA to later become a doctor, wouldn’t it have been a better decision to not be on Tiktok until 3 AM last night. Yeah, that’s what I thought… The rest of them aren’t any better. Half of them are sleeping through the entire school day and the other half day dream about the Taco Bell they’re going to be eating for lunch.

On days where the English teacher plans on doing a socratic seminar about Romeo and Juliet and the cultural significance behind the play, I make sure to slow down the time. Just for some extra entertainment. It can get really boring just sitting here on the wall all day yk?

Oh and obviously teachers have no idea that I do this…RINGGGG. Looks like it’s 3:12 now. I’m officially clocked out. We can continue this interview tmrw. Maybe.