Retired IHS Teacher: Mr. Gaga

First name: Unknown. Possibly Mr.

Last name: Gaga

Irvington teacher retired in 2019

Born in New York, New York

DOB: February 29, 2011

Mr. Gaga was a beloved Irvington teacher and an awfully charming baldie. Hired when he was only thirteen months old, Gaga strolled the hallways with a diaper pulled over his onesie and a mustache that was reportedly peeling off every time he burped. Students believed his fashion choices were influenced by his generational struggles as a Boomer, though this “man,” whom they had not realized, was simply a mere child who had recently learned how to walk and yet spoke English more fluently than the average high school senior.

Gaga was popular for entering his classroom in a stroller and sucking on a milk bottle. He was known as a “short king” and provided hope to those shorter than Oompa Loompas that it was possible to find a job other than becoming an ankle inspector.

Additionally, Gaga had taught various classes with a wide range of unique subjects, such as The Exploration of Peppa Pig and Bluey, a detailed course on why the latter had yet to face suing allegations or have ignited a civil war with the former.

Upon finding this information about Gaga, we immediately interviewed current Irvington student Moe Ron (9), who reacted to Gaga’s legacy by commenting, “I think he could be Lady Gaga’s secret child.”

Within seconds, we concluded the interview and told Ron to go back to school and reflect on his words.

After revealing the information we gathered up on Gaga to Jan Joseph Godfried baron van Voorst tot Voorst Jr., an Irvington alumnus who had taken the class — which was often shortened to Peppa v. Bluey — he stated that he “knew something was fishy about [Gaga].”

When we finally believed we had found an interviewee who understood the truth, Van Voorst tot Voorst concluded, “It was probably just the fish sticks he always ate for lunch.”

Despite his obliviousness, he positively described Gaga as “extremely emotional, which proved that it’s okay to scream like a child and roll on the floor sometimes.” Since then, Van Voorst tot Voorst was inspired to “become a man like him.”

There were reported instances of Gaga arbitrarily falling asleep in the middle of his lessons and how students were often handed papers soaked with saliva because of his habit of sticking his whole hand in his mouth before passing out each page. One of his pop quizzes even offered extra credit for creating escape routes from a gated room within Gaga’s house.

Additionally, Gaga loved to bring his best friend, Mr. Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah, a bear plush wearing a diaper and a bib, around campus to cuddle with. Unfortunately, Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah had disappeared around 2018, causing Gaga to throw a tantrum, flailing and screaming, “Roma-roma-ma!”

Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah was never found. 

When Gaga was questioned during his job interview, he claimed he was looking to purchase a Bugatti and decided a teacher’s salary would be sufficient enough to achieve this goal. Despite the few concerning descriptions of Gaga’s portfolio, the interviewer decided it was best to avoid questioning how Gaga’s little legs could ever reach the pedals.

Later on, Ron came back to us to ask, “If he’s not related to Lady Gaga, then was he an alien?” 

We would like to remind everyone that Gaga was a BABY. A BABY.