Let us begin on Olympus, the Pantheon Twelve

Who on high mountain gossip – and for eons have not delved

Into the goings of Earth, from Europe to Asia

As they sup on their greatness, nectar and ambrosia

Until one day MARS the Avenger broke the celestial door

And with a gleeful triumph, announced a new war

Disrupting the deities from their planned arias

To the going-on of news from the Bay Area

“What happened?” asked Grey-Eyed MINERVA, who was firstly intrigued

“Have the nations of Earth finally made use of their league?

Indeed, these new ‘States’ have made carnage prolific

To retaliate, has a new force breached the ocean Pacific?”

MARS dismissed firstly – “Nothing so banal,

For nations’ military endeavors, there are many a handful

Instead, a fierce battle of attrition is waged

In IRVINGTON HIGH SCHOOL, taking central stage.”

And so the divines, benignly indifferent peered through

The clouds to see a sentient golf cart and A GANG OF TEENS too

As they raced about in passing period halls

Seeking defense in their lockers against an ensuing brawl

Bold IHAVA TESTODAY was the first to skip

Her many classes, claimed to have a pink slip

She was the leader of this frenzied and motley crew

As she broke past her locker door and thusly withdrew

Three water bottles and textbooks aplenty

Which was handed to rebellious teenagers many

As soon as all had a weapon, thirty feet raced to the bend

As the blaring GOLF CART sought to cut off their hands

“Now listen close, comrades,” said cunning TESTODAY,

As she announced her war plans to where they fearfully laid

“Deeds of Generals past show we musn’t be befuddled

For all acts of warfare are akin to mud puddles

They may appear to be deep and celestial, true

But ‘tis only shallow waters reflecting the heavenses’ blue

To win demands pulling from our soul’s reservoir 

Of courage, and bravery, and refusal to be mired

By the death of another, until we’ve slain our foe

If even one of us lives, then we may stand aglow

Yes, you may be scared, but let me explain:

Is being crushed by a GOLF CART’s wheels really worse than a failed test’s pain?”

Charming TESTODAY’s followers, which numbered fifteen

Were skeptical and scared but they understood what she meant

Indeed, they resolved, it was a courageous stance

And they huddled like disciples to the prophet relaying her plans

Eventually the final decision was put into motion

They were split into groups of three, none dared put on lotion

One would lure the GOLF CART to an awaiting armed forces

While another squadron would attack from behind a strong fortress

Clamboring onto the GOLF CART and tearing it sunder 

So it could no longer attack and leave them encumbered

And for the final blow, which would destroy the cruel beast

The pouring of gasoline, and fire, until clearly deceased

Such a plan in action, seemed good from the start

As the GOLF CART followed as planned, and they all took heart

But alas! They misjudged for upon seeing the ambush with weapons

The GOLF CART’s valiant lights flailed in a vengeance

It leapt into the air, a beautiful backflip

As gravity lent it to mow down our fellowship

“Hold the ground!” screamed TESTODAY, as the brave warriors rose

To spear the creature with rulers and deal heavy blows

They scratched at hard shell, smashed pass the window pane

But motors crushed them before it could be tried again

From behind the second troop finally came

And outflanking the beast, were one with the main

They clambered the black seating and stabbed into the plush

Tried their best to break the tires that turned on them thus

Their war cry was harsh but soon they could see

The GOLF CART had defeated all but three

Still as the minor squadron’s leader felt himself draw a last breath

With wounds well aching from the GOLF CART’s cruel blast

He pulled up a Physics textbook and exercising great force

(You may recognize this trick from Unit 4 of your course)

Stabbed the foul beast’s tires where at last it let out air

Stilling the creature from inflicting despair

The hero ceased then, having been sent into a coma

While other survivors were dragged to leave the GOLF CART alone-a

The third group of fighters at last then approached

Warning the GOLF CART with one last blowtorch

They sprayed it with gasoline and then said thusly,

“Any last words, foul beast, before we burn you brightly?”

The GOLF CART let out a brief whimper and turned its steering wheel in dismay

But as it turns out it did have a trick hid away

Crawling on its back wheels to a towering height

So its flaccid wheel did not impede its stomping strong might

The GOLF CART gave out one last battle cry

Frenziedly hitting the dodging students who wished it would fry

“TESTODAY, you fool, you cannot kill a being as I

You have no wit, no heart, any cruelty you devise

Would only be a reflection of your own lack of skill

I shall be replaced with a better version, a golf cart of will

Who will hunt you down as a fox does hounds

And you will rue the day you ran me aground

Did you not think it was strange I allowed thee

To give your sermon to your vain apprentices plenty?

You have no skill in prose, and your verse, God knows –

I am a kind GOLF CART as even now

 I have given you a chance to explain yourself

Would you burn me up, I will have no restraint  

And the result will be that you all will be no more than a taint

I suggest you return to your actual class

And then you may pretend all this has not passed.

I hold your life in my (nonexistant) hands

So think of your choice quickly before advisory ends.”

Kind TESTODAY wavered, suddenly unsure

But a weeping from her comrades forbade her answer’s procure

“Enough,” one follower, teary-eyed said, 

“I find all this violence all sick in the head

All I wanted was to leave my class for some profit

Instead I have been battered, thinking about it

O dear leader, let your converts take rest

I wish to retreat, go home, lay my aching to bed.”

TESTODAY steeled herself for the sake of her troop

And to the GOLF CART warned it, “We still are not through,”

Perhaps today you may yet survive

But a calmer day will come when I may pleasantly devise

A way for your extinction to avenge my fallen friends

And then no begging will prevent your end.”

The two sides parted ways, both still smug,

Because TESTODAY had delt a hard blow to the deadly cart’s mug

And the GOLF CART felt assured in its on superiority

For it had conquered so many high schoolers in their inferiority

Now back to Olympus, the deities that were watching

Were somewhat pleased, but otherwise left wanting

MARS was now disillusioned by the childrens’ refusal to burn

The creature who had hunted them turn after turn

But MINERVA who took his place, was quite entranced 

She approved of the golf cart, which was happenstance,

“A noble defender, which many fighters may learn from,

To be bold without brashness, and compromise moresome

Like a tank without equals, deadly as molasses – 

Yes, if only there were GOLF CARTs on the bank of Parnassus

Then perhaps Old Rome may never have fallen

And the Empire still would be writing odes to APOLLON.”