People say the history of the colonization of North America began when the Pilgrims first arrived in Jamestown. Others cope, contending that the first colony was somehow Roanoke. What makes you think that?

Maybe you could argue that North America was considered colonized when the Vikings traveled the land, or when the indigenous tribes first migrated during a time when the great oceans of the world had frozen over. Regardless of what you subscribe to, there exists one constant. No matter how many meteors or world-reshaping events have occurred, none have persisted longer than the Tapioca Express at the corner of a dusty square in Fremont, California.

To put the longevity into perspective, this hunk of asbestos, among several other health violations, blows cockroaches out of the water. COCKROACHES. You think surviving past the time of dinosaurs was impressive?

But this week marks the first time Tapioca Express ever got recognition, with the only other time the phrase ‘Tapioca Express’ was featured anywhere in recorded and documented human history being the written account of Mansa Musa’s pilgrimage to Mecca, where he stopped at the establishment during his return trip and subsequently lost all his riches (History books and teachers alike will tell you it was his lavish spending at fault here, but they never mentioned where!) 

The simple minor adjustments like the incorporation of industrial motor oil and shift to using only the finest farm-raised exam papers became big hits in their modified popcorn chicken recipe.

“KFC Guy” Colonel Sanders was found recently clutching his sparse head of hair in the midst of disheveled heaps of paper, trying to decode the Tapioca Express Recipes. 

“I just can’t seem to get a damn read on these,” remarked Sanders. “I thought I was using a sufficient amount of drywall and crushed hopes and dreams in the breading, but it seems I need to further lower the concentration of impurities, such as the chicken.” 

The Voice found him later in a body bag.

As for the question of who graced Tapioca Express with the accolade, it was none other than the fabled tire company of wizards and witches, that comes to restaurants and hotels once every thousand years carrying the prophecy of the hero that will strike down the demon king Michelin Star award. 

The Voice has obtained audio recordings of the scene, captured by the restaurant’s spycam, featuring the groggy receptionist worker with a five o’ clock shadow who claims that he could stay for a little bit longer, and the representatives that descended from the heavens above. Here now is the exchange at 3:45 A.M. this Tuesday:

“[Muffled Screaming]”

“[Muffled Screaming]”

“[Muffins Screening]”

“[Indistinct]”

“[Municipal Screeching]”

“[Indonesia]”

Regardless of what happened there, Tapioca Express found themselves the next day with a Michelin Star. Looking forward, this is definitely a significant point on which Tapioca Express can advertise.

The accolade attracted an influx of customers the following day, who appear to enjoy the delicacies offered by the establishment. ”It’sh just sho good…” said an Irvington student on site. This was the only remark The Voice could secure from the visit to Tapioca Express, as other customers on scene were busy staring at the ceiling, presumably in a romcom-induced state of cutaways to ocean water and sliding PNGs intending to capture the emotions felt when eating the food.

From this point, however, word of mouth from Irvington students and locals have also drawn significant national attention to the establishment. The Voice has not been able to reach out for a word from the restaurant on this, as lines have stretched so long around the block that a new nation has been established there, henceforth referred to as Downtown Fremont. The economy of this young nation is booming, as since that fateful Tuesday this week, they have written their own constitution, developed an industrial niche and a formidable navy.

The quality and reactions to the food have sparked an international internet sensation, where people deliberately consume pathogenic substances and contract severe illness in trying to capture the Tapioca Express experience, where travel costs to Downtown Fremont are too expensive for the standard person with two jobs, four horses and 160 acres of land.